So Now What? So Now What? ~ Justify my love ! -Madonna

http://zaphod.uk.vvhp.net/v-v/100128094917

I am strong because I am weak. I'm beautiful because I know my flaws. I'm a lover because I am a fighter. I'm fearless because I have been afraid. I'm wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I Have known sadness. - Author Unknown


So, yeah, I'm a jackass. I admit it. I bring things on myself (most of the time).  I'm certainly not the same woman and I mean WOMAN as compared to "girl" perhaps say...a year or more ago? OH P.S. ASS is a word used IN THE BIBLE, so stop trying to flag my blog as offensive.
That shit irritates me (that last sentence, go ahead, flag me, I just dropped the S bomb).


Okay back on the topic here. Still perplexed as to why, why oh why someone would talk babies and marriage and give you roses one day to ....having doubts and being scared. My best girlfriend thinks he had a GAY vibe all along. Well, okay, that's a plausible explanation. I can deal with that. I mean, I have gay friends, and albeit I am not that way, God taught me to love all people and that it is not MY place to judge but it is his....so I leave that up to..GOD. I love without judging unless you are REALLY EVIL.


So, I did the whole blocking the number thing. Took him out of my email contacts. ALMOST..and I do mean ALMOST-went on Craigslist  (cause I know he sells stuff on there, I go on there when I can't sleep and laugh at the personals out of boredom). So , then what do I do? My dumb ass emails him pleading to please....give me SOME explanation.  Last I heard  "THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FAULT." Okay. PLEASE EXPLAIN!!!!!! Haven't heard back-so am not really surprised, considering how fast everything took a turn (head is still spinning and no, I haven't had a drink).


So.......now what?  Well, I have these options.... 1). MED SCHOOL (as in M.D.), yes, I'm smart. I know this. Not trying to sound arrogant, but I know my strengths.  2). Movie Part (MIB3)- Great exposure casted in a major movie, 10 scenes, but at the age of 32- I would already be considered a "washout". Besides, NO ONE is going to tell me to implant my chest or starve to look like the status quo (I will leave that to Paris Hilton, or whomever is "hot" right now, I don't even know, that is how much I care). 3). Go to work for the Dept. Of Interior BIA-was recruited to do so. Great pay. Boot camp. Federal job (Starting at GS9-11).


Date? Hahaha. Who REALLY wants to be a rebound? I'm kinda in a conundrum there. 


Well, you know what?  It's MY vacation. And, I fit in a size 3-4 bikini right now. And ya know what? It was from eating right and working out. I earned it. I look pretty darned good. Let the chips fall where they may.... I'm gonna "keep on truckin."
I'm gonna take life day by day. I'm going to enjoy the company of my many friends the next few days. I'm going to swim and splash and make some killer salads. I may even paint or write some kick ass prose.   But nothing....nothing, is going to get in my way.


"HERE I AM, ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE."          


P.S. I love cliche's- can you tell? (Smirk).

Jaded.......

So, I haven't written my blog in a while. I was too busy "being in love."

So, tell me what love is?  Because, I thought it was there...finally, within my grasps, no holds barred.

They say if something is too good to be true it usually is. Um YEAH, that was an understatement in this case.
So, one day a person is talking marriage and babies and POOF, the next day he's scared and doesn't know what he wants. FML. FML.  Time and energy invested. Many nights staying up late after 12 hour shifts at work watching movies, cooking, laughing...all that to -NOTHING.

So, I've done the crying thing (haven't in 4 days maybe), the hiding under the covers thing (I don't recommend that-I've found it's better to go for a walk in the sunshine). Tried to literally work out the anger by exercising (works pretty well).

So, what to do next.....hmmm...I could go into the Army. Private Benjamin style (hehehe).   Or, I can just keep being myself. I'm gonna go lie by the pool with my tanned self. Have a huge salad in a bit -not because I think I'm fat , but because I care what I put into my body.  I'm going to paint on my balcony facing the mountains. I'm going to go back to the gym, and when I turn a few heads, I will do what I can to not attract attention, but I will smile knowing that I still have my mojo.     Take a walk on the Bosque-perhaps all the way to Corrales today.

Take a nap-because I work hard and deserve it.

Love myself-because, I am pretty freaking amazing. I KNOW THIS. You don't have to tell me.
He lost.  I win.     I'm gonna keep on smiling. :)

30 Days of Truth-LOVERS and HATERS

HATERS-yeah, you. I know who you are. You flagged my blog as "offensive." Whatever. No foul language was used. I've had debates over more petty stuff than the stuff I've written on this blog. So, keep hatin if ya want...but you won't stop me from writing.
So, that's all I'll say about the subject of hate, because it's just not a subject I care for. I don't hate. I do hate that I have to work on my day off at 3p.m. today, but hey, at least I got to sleep in a little.

LOVERS-yeah you. You know who you are.

I have two loves in my life. One is a platonic love (this kid is like a son to me).
He brightens my day with his smiley faces that he sends me. I get a kick out of seeing his pictures of himself flying through the air with a skateboard. Such a great kid this one is. So proud of him (his report card was awesome). Has model good looks but he's so unpretentious and I suspect he could care less that he's going to have to fight off the girls in the next few years. Good lord have mercy on his parents! ;-)

Then, there's Brian. Wonderful, sweet, caring, Brian. Always makes sure I'm fed (like I need it LOL). Rescued a stray from death row. Cares for people all day long and doesn't bitch.

Wears a diabetic pump, has to watch his diet, and never gripes. Always smiles.
Hung curtains for his pregnant friend last night ( I promise he did, I was there).

Leaves me sweet notes and little surprises in my purse. It's the little things ya know.

Here's what blew me away about Brian though (today).
Well, let me back up.

Brian knows pretty much everything about me that I can think of. I told myself that in this relationship, I would hold nothing back. He knows my less than to be desired past. He knows my less than to be desired idiosynchrocies.

He knows I've battled depression, addiction, laziness, bitchiness....you name it, I've dealt with it.

This morning, I had a horrible nightmare. Hadn't had a nightmare in a long time. This one was really really bad. I woke up bawling.
I won't go into details...but I told him all about the nightmare ( I mean, I woke the poor guy up by jumping nearly to the roof). He listened.  I was afraid he was going to think I was Charlie Sheen's next goddess- needing a Halcion/Lithium cocktail the size of a Big Gulp or something.

He just looked at me, very endearingly. He hugged me. And he said something that NO MAN HAS EVER SAID TO ME: "I love you, so, I will take the bad and the good."  Then he held me tight and I was calm and comforted.

Yes. I'm smitten. Where did this angel come from?

~Steph

What is love?

Love is many things to different people.

Here's my take on it:

Love is when you wake up next to your significant other before he/she does...and you take pleasure in just watching them sleep.

Love is thinking about your sweetie in the middle of the day ....and it instantly calms you and makes everything better.

Love is making coffee and having it ready for your sweetie when he/she wakes up.
It's making pancakes and bacon together on a Sunday morning- and reading the paper and not having to say a word because each other's company is suffiicient enough to where no words need be spoken.

Love is when you have the flu or a virus and the other person will hold your hair back while you get sick.
Love is spontaneous kisses or a hug for no reason....just because, well, you love them.

Love is when the other person warms up your car for you and/or gets the snow and ice off of it too.

Love is snuggling on the couch watching movies all day in your pajamas.
Love is seeing each other unshowered, no teeth brushed, disheveled- but each person still sees beauty.

Love is always wanting to be a better person-for the both of each other.

Love is inspiring- which is why I wrote this blog today.
Love.  My love. How inspiring he is indeed.

~SN

30 Days Of Truth-A kind deed you did that no one knows about.

Wow, um, so if I tell you about this then I will blow my cover!

But, the "30 Days Of Truth" assignment is about being very honest. So here it goes I guess.

I've been in the optometry/opthalmology field since I was 17.  I'm certified in surgical assisting, a certified paraoptometrist, and a certified Visx Star 4 Laser operator. Now, I'm not telling you this to brag. I'm telling you this to lead up to something.

I won't name any names in this situation. We'll just say I had a very very good friend whom I loved dearly.
Said friend and I had a big falling out.
Before the falling out, said friend's sister and brother in law asked for my help interpreting medical records from an ophthalmologist because the brother in law was hit on his motorcycle by a guy with glaucoma in advanced stages.
I told them I would help in any way I could.

Months after the falling out between the friend and I, I get a call from the attorney of the former friend's sister and brother in law asking me to consult with him and help him "understand" about 50 pages of records showing progression of the defendant's glaucoma.

Now, I didn't have to do it. I almost didn't . I had decided to cut all ties, but then I thought back at how good to me these people were that were asking for my help. You see, because of this guy that KNEW he was almost completely blind but drove anyway-caused a good man his livelihood. And, I hate that for him.

So, I agreed. Last Sunday (my only day off these days), I met with the attorney. I confirmed that indeed, the man that hit my former friend's brother in law was in fact almost blind and didn't see the motorcycle coming.

I explained eye anatomy and helped the attorney understand.  I gave him resources to research the eye disease. I gave him 3 hours of my time-actually 4 if you count the drive.

I was offered compensation for my time, but that is not what I went there for.

Albeit, the former friend and I are not on talking terms, that person still has nice relatives that were done wrong and I really hope that the justice system works for them. I mean, the guy who got hit will be in pain the rest of his life-but hopefully, just maybe-maybe my knowledge will help win the case and the guy can be in pain in Hawaii instead of New Mexico.

So, why am I telling you all this?

Because- I realize life is not all about me. It's about all of us helping each other out- isn't that the way it should be?

~SN

30 Days Of Truth-A hero who has let you down.

I'll never forget what my good friend Josh said about 6 or so years ago. It always stuck with me, and to me it has always been true for me......... "Don't need a damned hero."

The End.

30 Days Of Truth-A hero who has let you down.

I'll never forget what my good friend Josh said about 6 or so years ago. It always stuck with me, and to me it has always been true for me......... "Don't need a damned hero."

The End.

30 Days Of Truth- A singer or band who has gotten you through some tough ass days.

You know, I REALLY cannot pick only ONE band or artist.

It depends on what is going on in my life to make it tough, and my mood.
I mean, I am not going to listen to Patsy Cline (love her, love her, love her), when ...I'm going through a breakup.
At the risk of TOTALLY getting razzed by peers, I'll turn on Madonna very loud in the car and drive through the mountains singing at the top of my lungs (it's much better than yelling at someone).

When I was 14, my first REAL boyfriend (first kiss), gave me Nirvana's "In Utero" for Christmas. I wore that tape out (yes, it was a cassette tape-for a CD player was VERY expensive then-shush it). Singing angrily along with Kurt Cobain was cathardic during my teenage angst. As well as Nine Inch Nails.

During my 20's, I really got into Dave Matthews. I saw at least 3 concerts of his live every year. His mad guitar skills and folky music just..well put me in a good mood. I'd listen to him quite a bit after working all day then going to school. I still listen to his old stuff sometimes.....just to take myself back to the magical days of then.

Right now, I've got Sting And The Police greatest hits in my CD player. That's what I have been singing along to lately. If I'm depressed some days, I'll pull up some Johnny Cash.

And of course, at anytime, whether good or bad days- Pink Floyd never fails me.

This blog subject tonight I find to be quite boring actually-so if this sucked....I apologize in advance for taking 5 minutes of your life that you won't get back. :)

~Stephanie

Day 8-Something people don't compliment me on.

Oh, this is too F***ing easy to decide.

I have a potty mouth. I curse like a sailor ( I always wondered though, what if said sailors were Mormon or REALLY REALLY religious)?

That being said...yes, I do feel guilty about it. I NEVER say the word that starts with "God." Because in my mind that is going too far.

But, I use the F word a lot-and for a lot of people that is going too far.

I control it when I need to. Of course, when trying to be ladylike, I will refrain. Same when I go to church (which is not a regular thing I do admit). Hell, I dunno if I wanna be Catholic, Baptist, Church Of Christ , etc.... but I'm sure that will be another blog at some point in the future

Speaking of, I went to a gas station the other night. This homeless man followed me around. He asked for money-I offered to buy him a hotdog and chips and stuff and he said no. So, I went to pay for my soda at the cash register-and he blatantly asked me to buy him a bottle of booze.

I ALMOST gave in- just because he was finally being honest with me. But the fact is, I don't want to be an enabler. And, I'm getting fed up being panhandled every single day. In Oklahoma, that doesn't happen.
Here, it does.

So anyway, AGAIN, I told the man no. He was already clearly drunk. I walked out to my car-keys positioned ready to go for his eyeballs (just in case). Once again, he begged me for money.

It was then I said "get the F* away from me!"

Little did I know that two nuns were standing behind me getting into their car....well son of a B****.

Um, am I gonna go to hell for this?

~Stephanie

30 Days Of Truth- Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

This is a tie.

I've always been sweet to people ( and working with patients, you have to have that quality). Patients compliment me on that all the time. So do my friends. I AM sweet. I know that I am. Yes, I do have my cantankerous moments-but I know I have a good heart and people do see it and compliment me on it on a daily basis. It's not hard to be sweet to people- generally most people are good and mean well, and well, I love people.

My close friends and coworkers (once they get to know me), always compliment me on my sense of humor. I do admit I am a clown. Sometimes, I don't even mean to be funny....but somehow I do it.
I can come out with some wicked wit pretty fast. I love to laugh, so why not make others laugh?
To me, it just makes life easier. Everyday, SOMEONE says "oh you are hilarious." That makes me feel good- to make people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.
I can't help but joke around (of course I know when to be serious too), but joking around just makes the days easier and makes my life easier  because..well, I fine life to be funny. I see humor in characters,  an odd name, an eclectic sign,etc. You open the door for me to make a wise assed comment-ha you are in trouble :)

My friends, family and roommies love  how I make them laugh. And if you can't laugh at life, then what good is it anyway?

~Stephanie

30 days of truth......Day 9, someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.

Matt.

I need to let go of Matt. I am very close. Very very close. He has a girlfriend, I am dating someone wonderful.
I've pretty much let go of him except for the closure-there were things that needed to be talked through and understood. But, I've got to let life move one.

What is hard, is that I fell in love with Matt's kids. They will always be like the kids I never had.
It makes it very hard for me to not see them on the weekends. I want to cook them meals, play X-Box with them. Wrestle.

It would be harsh to say that I wish I didn't know him...because these great kids came into my life. And, I don't regret that. They are wonderful. A boy and a girl. Respectful, funny, smart as hell.

So the conundrum is...how do I let Matt completely go- when I don't want to let the kids go?
I can do without Matt...I've moved on.

But, those kids-I will always be there for them. I will not let them go.

Matt-you can go. God be with you.

30 days of truth......Day 8, Someone you didn't want to let go, but had to because they just drifted.

Boy, these get harder as the days go on!

Does ANYBODY ever forget their first love? Some people were lucky enough to marry them.
I got close.

Derek-my first love. I was 21 and he was 33 when we started dating. Then came the moving in part, then the diamond ring.

The red flag or shall I say flags (plural) was that by the age of 33, Derek had already been married and divorced TWICE. Now, I didn't blame the first one on him, as his first wife at the age of 18 left him for another woman (that's just really messed up there). The second wife, wanted a lot of babies and wanted them right away and he wanted to enjoy his marriage a few years before doing all that and she didn't agree with it so she cheated on him.

So, Derek and I were madly in love. I mean, we would finish each other's sentences. Eat at restaurants and read the paper and not even have to say a word as each other's company was enough. Every Saturday, we'd go to our favorite Mexican restaurant and then a movie. Every night, we played scrabble.

Sunday mornings, we would wake up, clean up the house and  do the laundry as fast as we could so we wouldn't have to worry about it the rest of the weekend. Then, he would sit and watch me lovingly while I made homemade pancakes and bacon and coffee. On rainy days, we'd open the french doors to the backyard and read Kurt Vonnegutt books in our recliners. We would work on the huge garden I planted (one year, we won the award for best yard in the neighborhood). We would pull weeds together. Weeds. Weed.
Grass!

POP!  The sweet bubble of that life just burst. Weed. Derek loved weed. I liked it okay. I had my other vices. Derek was an all American guy-tall, blonde, blue eyes...built. But, he loved that weed. He would smoke it in the morning before work, come home and smoke it as soon as he walked in the door. Then of course, the whole weekend was weed, weed, weed. Now, I am not innocent. I partook of my fair share.
But, it just got old after a few years. I suppose I grew up, but he didn't . Plus, I got through college by the end of our relationship and my career was really taking off and drug testing was a new thing in my life (he owned his own business so it didn't matter).

As we grew more and more as a couple, we grew farther apart because I wanted him to at least cut down ( I didn't want to breathe it in and risk losing my job). Soon, he had it in his head that "we should just live together forever and not be married, but you still wear the ring because the whole institution of marriage is stupid man."  Ouch.

So, I moved out. Just down the street ( I was trying to make a point but it became mute because I spent everyday at his house anyway, so I pretty much threw rent down the toilet). I thought if I moved out then he would know I meant business. Nothing changed. It was then I knew someday that the inevitable was probably going to happen, I just didn't want it to. I mean, we we perfect in every way except for those two subjects-marriage and his addiction to pot.

One day-it happened. I blew. He blew. We both spewed words that were hurtful, ones we didn't mean but could never take back. I went home.

I cried everyday. We didn't speak for 3 months. Once we did, we'd go out to dinner and act as a couple again. Sometimes for a weekend. Sometimes for a week. But it was never the same. And, he still loved his pot.

Over the years we repeated this. On again off again. We didn't want to let each other go. Eventually, I started dating again and so did he.

We would talk like friends about our new relationships. Then always get back together.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
We were the poster children of insanity then.

One day, he found Heather. Heather was a pretty girl, a lawyer, nice. He always compared her to me though and she was never good enough.....or so he thought then.

With a heavy heart, I cut all ties to Derek. He would email me from time to time. I had to let him go though.

I heard through a friend that Heather made him go to rehab after an ultimatum.

I just found Heather recently on Facebook- with Derek's last name.

He finally got married. To a great girl.
Good for Derek!

It's my turn now!

~Stephanie

30 days of truth......Day 7, Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like crap.

This subject hits home for me tonight.

For 1 reason- I truly do believe that my coworker, friend and BOSS...is in fact bipolar.

I have a love/hate relationship with her. She wants so badly to be my friend. I go to church with her, have dinner at her house, and have lunch with her.

But, that is what makes my life hell. It is hard for me to dislike her. When she's my friend, she's great. She's funny, she laughs, she's NORMAL. But, she will turn on anybody in a heartbeat and leave you thinking "what the hell just happened?"

 Now, maybe, just maybe it is menopause. I've yet to figure it out. I have my degree in psychology, therefore, I've determined it is either menopause or she is in fact bipolar ....as she exhibits all the classic etiology of such.

Prime Example: I had a coworker who was homosexual. He hasn't shown up for work in a week.
So, needless to say, he has no job now as he was a "no call, no show."

I casually mentioned that I still have his high dollar Gucci dress that I borrowed, and I mentioned it in front of her not knowing whether or not she knew he was gay. I am not the type of person that will go "Oh my gosh, (insert name here), did you know that so and so is gay???  That is not my place. If he wanted her to know he was, he would have told her.

Boy did she get extremely angry at me. She accused me and the staff of "keeping secrets from her" and "what do you say about me behind my back?"  Well, we have a ZERO tolerance policy of gossip in the office. So, no one in my office ever really talked about it....unless he brought it up. She told me I was childish from keeping secrets from her....I told her she was childish for reacting the way she did. She got very mad that I "talked back to her."

I was just being honest. She always judges people...patients, employees. She is very religious- and a lot of times - she will blatantly say that "(insert name)" "is going to hell because (insert reason)."

She makes my life hell everyday. Being my friend one minute- and ripping my head off the next.  I stay at my job because I love my coworkers, and I love the job itself. I even love her...the nice side of her. I just don't know when the nice side is going to come out.  I know she has a great heart....but something is very mentally wrong with her.

When she's in a bad mood, oh you'd better watch out because you can do NOTHING right. Then, everything is my fault or (insert another employee's) fault.

So, this is my vent/blog for the day. The subject seemed appropriate for the fight that she and I had tonight.

DISCLAIMER: No names or companies were mentioned here.

And if she gets wind of this blog and reads it....it's okay. I have an interview with Sandia Labs. And, if nothing comes of that, I have no doubt with my skills, my education, and experience that something will come my way.

God bless that woman.

~Stephanie

30 -Subject 6...Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living.

This will be an ironic blog.

My biological mother has made my life worth living.
It's odd just to type that sentence. I stared at it awhile.

You see, my mother was NOT any type of mother to me.
She taught me how NOT to be.

I won't go into specifics...I will just sum it up by saying that she was a junkie, abusive, vain, and to me...downright evil.

You may be thinking I sound harsh, but you have no idea what this woman (or she-devil as I typically called her), put me through.

So, how has she made my life worth living you may ask?
It's simple. I vowed to NEVER BE LIKE HER. AND I SUCCEEDED!!!!

I know that I am a kind person. I am not a junkie. I went to college. I didn't pop out babies while chain smoking (well, I haven't popped out any babies yet actually). I am not vain, I am not jealous. I am a great person. I am! I know this.

And someday, when I have my children...I will be the best mother ever.  I will bend over backwards to make the best life for my kids that I can-and never ever expose them to the things I was exposed to.

THAT my friends...makes my life worth living.

~Stephanie

Day 5-Something I hope I never have to do in my lifetime.

Ok, so I turn thirty something tomorrow (you think I'm actually gonna give you my real age)? Hehe.

So, I am at the age where yes, I'm ready to settle down. Have the house, the two car garage, the kids running around.....yada yada. A lot and I do mean a LOT of my friends have already been married and divored. Some of them twice! To me that is crazy. I couldn't even imagine it. Now, I'm not judging here- as a child of a mother that went through two divorces it is very clear to me that certain people do not belong together. A lot of times, in the best interests of children too ( I hated hearing the yelling and feeling the constant tension in the house when growing up).

But, I've also seen the effects of divorce on my friends, their children...even the effects on my parents that I witnessed growing up- I would never in my life wish that upon anyone.

I've been through my fair share of breakups-some harder than others. The last one was the hardest-and it almost destroyed me. So, I hope I NEVER have to go through a divorce.

To fall in love with somebody and think you will grow old with that person only to have that bond broken due to (insert reason here), would devastate me.  I want to be married, and I want it to be for life.

I do not want to go through the emotional BS that goes with divorce, and if kids are involved, that would just add fuel to the fire. Then there's the splitting of assets and etc.....to me it just sounds horrible. I've seen it, lived through it with my parents- and I rank it up there with loved ones passing away.  It's a mournful event.

So, I hope I never have to go through divorce...and to quote Forrest Gump "that's all I have to say about that."

~Stephanie

Day 5-Something I hope to do in my lifetime.

This one is easy for me. I have a lot I hope to do in my lifetime...all of them lead to leaving some mark in this world, however small or large.

Having a child that may someday find a cure for cancer, or be President of the United States.

Saving a life by finding a malignant tumor in someone's retina ( I hope I never have to see that in anybody, but if it exists, I could make a difference).

Teaching a friend unconditional love so that one day they will teach someone else the same.

Marrying my soulmate. Growing old and spoiling my grandkids.
So many things.

Perhaps discovering a new species when hiking in the mountains. Or, actually climbing all the way to the top of Everest.
Does it stop there? Absolutely not!

Going to the French Riviera and walking around topless without being self concious.....just being a free spirit with no inhibitions and not having to worry about being harassed.

Seeing Rome...eating fresh mozzarella and grapes while roaming the Vatican.

Taking flying lessons and eventually flying my own plane-to Alaska on a whim to fish for fresh salmon.

So many many things.

But most of all, if I have made a positive difference in just 1 person's life.....I will be satisfied. Just knowing that I made my mark in this world.

~Stephanie

30 days of truth......Subject 3-Something I have to forgive myself for.

Wow. Where do I begin? So many things come to mind, and all of them are important, so how do I choose which thing to forgive myself for?

The TV is on in the background as I write this, and the movie Billy Madison is on ( I love that movie by the way). But, anyway, in the movie Billy Madison goes back to school to actually learn and earn his grades instead of his teachers being paid off by his rich father. One day, Billy goes back to high school (he's in his late 30's by then), and someone calls him a loser. After his long and hard day, he goes and sees his girlfriend and she mentions to him that maybe now he knows how it feels to be picked on and to remember that from when he picked on people in high school. So, Billy calls people he picked on in high school to apologize...and one of them happens to be a homicidal maniac. The maniac had planned on hurting Billy for being picked on but after the apology he crossed him off his hit list and at the end of the movie ends up saving Billy's life.

Which brings me to Kate.*  Kate and I went to high school together and also worked at the same grocery store together. We were 17 years  old. Now, I was considered cute. Kinda quiet,academic, hung out with a little bit of every clique. Kate on the other hand, was a big girl with glasses and played in the band- the definite stamp of the epitome of NERD.

But, Kate had a car and a license. I didn't yet. I needed a ride from school and work. So, I pretended to be Kate's friend-but only Kate knew.

We would talk on the phone and I would pretend to listen to her stories about her crushes on the most popular guys at school. I even went to her house and heaven forbid ANYONE saw me there or I would most definitely be very uncool. She thought her room with her doll collection was really cool and I would agree with her to be polite when what I really wanted to do is get the hell out of there quickly. I just did what I needed to do to keep her convinced I was her friend so I could have a ride when I needed it-as a lot of my other friends didn't drive yet or had different jobs. She was convenient because we worked the same shift.

Kate was a great person actually. To be truthful, I even grew to like her! But, I would NEVER let anyone know that. Pretty soon, Kate would approach me in the halls to talk and I would brush her off like everyone else did. Then, being the snotty little shit that I was I would laugh with my friends and make fun of her as she walked away-doing it to fit in yet feeling horrible inside for being so two faced.

Kate ended up finding a better job and the rides stop. The fake friendship stopped. And, life went on.

So, I have to forgive myself for being such a two faced person to Kate. As it turns out, we are Facebook buddies. We've talked a few times on instant message and she was the same ol' Kate-kind, considerate- the type of friend I actually want to have.  Kate incidentally of course turned into a beautiful young lady as well.

So, when I visit Oklahoma, perhaps I will call Kate up like Billy Madison called the guy he picked on ...and ask her to go get some coffee. Maybe I will ask her to be my friend for real this time- that is IF I am indeed WORTHY of being HER friend.

~Stephanie

30 days of truth......Subject 2-Something Iove about myself.

Well, lately I've been able to afford regular pedicures. My feet look damned good, I love my feet...all soft and pretty and polished.

Okay, seriously. This is another subject hard to write on, because I don't want to sound narcissistic or any of that hoowa (yeah, I know that isn't a word).

I love my character. Once you get to know me, I will pull something out of thin air and make you laugh. Even if it is at my own expense. The funny thing is, I have had a lot of people comment on it lately so I suppose it has manifested itself more these past months.

I love to make people laugh. It makes the days at work shorter, more lighthearted. My patients love it. I love my sense of humor.

I went to a small party recently-and ended up being the center of attention telling funny stories and opinions about different subject matters. People laughed their asses off. Ten years ago....I wanted to be that girl. For a split second in that moment, I realize I was that girl....without having to even try.

So, I love my character (sense of humor). It brightens up the world for some people during the day. Getting people to laugh and release all those positive endorphins make me feel good.

I walked in the other day at my office, and one of my coworkers just busted out laughing. I ask her "what is so funny?" "You" she says.  I asked her what I did.  She said, "you just walked in the room."
I'm not sure how to take that....but I'm laughing out loud right now!

~Stephanie

30 days of truth......Subject 1-Something I hate about myself.

This one is a hard one to write. I mean, who wants to dwell on something they hate about themselves? It's just negative subject. But, I suppose it will be cathardic. This is an experiment to vent...30 days on a different subject that someone has picked  for you.


So, here it goes.

Mistakes haunt me. Especially when it comes to my job. This was especially true when I was in my younger twenties. I would make a mistake about something...and it would haunt me all day to the point to where I would be on the verge of crying.  No one else made a big deal about it, except me. I wanted to be perfect. I was Miss perfect. Had straight A's most of my life It would consume me as I tried to sleep at night. Why couldn't I just get it right the first time? No learning for me! I had to perfect it and know it on the first try. I've worked for doctors all my life and for a bit heralded them as gods. They intimidated me. I thought they had huge expectations of me and and I wanted to get it right the first time dammit!

Then there's the relationships I had. Could I have been prettier? Why didn't I just wake up at 5 a.m. and make him breakfast even though I worked a full time job and went to college and studied until midnight! I should've just drank more coffee! That haunted me for a long time. All he wanted was a full breakfast in the morning before work-and I would just make him some toast and coffee at 6:30 a.m. instead. I dwelled over that for years. If I had just been June Cleaver...

The plain truth is, I am so hard on myself. I hate that about myself. I always want to be better. I want to be Martha Stewart (well kinda),  a surgeon. A mom.

But ya know what?  They make mistakes!  And as I get older I look back at the doctors....and saw them make mistakes. And the guy that wanted bacon and eggs at 5 a.m.-never made breakfast for me!
Martha Stewart-she went to prison. Mom's make mistakes.

So, I hate and I mean HATE making mistakes. But, as I've gotten older, I'm more gentle on myself. Instead, I breathe and say 'try again."
And albeit June Cleaver was perfect, she put her pants on one leg at a time like I do..

The mistakes I made, I learned from. You can't learn unless you make mistakes. And...there is beauty in that.

~Stephanie