30 days of truth......Subject 3-Something I have to forgive myself for.

Wow. Where do I begin? So many things come to mind, and all of them are important, so how do I choose which thing to forgive myself for?

The TV is on in the background as I write this, and the movie Billy Madison is on ( I love that movie by the way). But, anyway, in the movie Billy Madison goes back to school to actually learn and earn his grades instead of his teachers being paid off by his rich father. One day, Billy goes back to high school (he's in his late 30's by then), and someone calls him a loser. After his long and hard day, he goes and sees his girlfriend and she mentions to him that maybe now he knows how it feels to be picked on and to remember that from when he picked on people in high school. So, Billy calls people he picked on in high school to apologize...and one of them happens to be a homicidal maniac. The maniac had planned on hurting Billy for being picked on but after the apology he crossed him off his hit list and at the end of the movie ends up saving Billy's life.

Which brings me to Kate.*  Kate and I went to high school together and also worked at the same grocery store together. We were 17 years  old. Now, I was considered cute. Kinda quiet,academic, hung out with a little bit of every clique. Kate on the other hand, was a big girl with glasses and played in the band- the definite stamp of the epitome of NERD.

But, Kate had a car and a license. I didn't yet. I needed a ride from school and work. So, I pretended to be Kate's friend-but only Kate knew.

We would talk on the phone and I would pretend to listen to her stories about her crushes on the most popular guys at school. I even went to her house and heaven forbid ANYONE saw me there or I would most definitely be very uncool. She thought her room with her doll collection was really cool and I would agree with her to be polite when what I really wanted to do is get the hell out of there quickly. I just did what I needed to do to keep her convinced I was her friend so I could have a ride when I needed it-as a lot of my other friends didn't drive yet or had different jobs. She was convenient because we worked the same shift.

Kate was a great person actually. To be truthful, I even grew to like her! But, I would NEVER let anyone know that. Pretty soon, Kate would approach me in the halls to talk and I would brush her off like everyone else did. Then, being the snotty little shit that I was I would laugh with my friends and make fun of her as she walked away-doing it to fit in yet feeling horrible inside for being so two faced.

Kate ended up finding a better job and the rides stop. The fake friendship stopped. And, life went on.

So, I have to forgive myself for being such a two faced person to Kate. As it turns out, we are Facebook buddies. We've talked a few times on instant message and she was the same ol' Kate-kind, considerate- the type of friend I actually want to have.  Kate incidentally of course turned into a beautiful young lady as well.

So, when I visit Oklahoma, perhaps I will call Kate up like Billy Madison called the guy he picked on ...and ask her to go get some coffee. Maybe I will ask her to be my friend for real this time- that is IF I am indeed WORTHY of being HER friend.

~Stephanie