This one is a hard one to write. I mean, who wants to dwell on something they hate about themselves? It's just negative subject. But, I suppose it will be cathardic. This is an experiment to vent...30 days on a different subject that someone has picked for you.
So, here it goes.
Mistakes haunt me. Especially when it comes to my job. This was especially true when I was in my younger twenties. I would make a mistake about something...and it would haunt me all day to the point to where I would be on the verge of crying. No one else made a big deal about it, except me. I wanted to be perfect. I was Miss perfect. Had straight A's most of my life It would consume me as I tried to sleep at night. Why couldn't I just get it right the first time? No learning for me! I had to perfect it and know it on the first try. I've worked for doctors all my life and for a bit heralded them as gods. They intimidated me. I thought they had huge expectations of me and and I wanted to get it right the first time dammit!
Then there's the relationships I had. Could I have been prettier? Why didn't I just wake up at 5 a.m. and make him breakfast even though I worked a full time job and went to college and studied until midnight! I should've just drank more coffee! That haunted me for a long time. All he wanted was a full breakfast in the morning before work-and I would just make him some toast and coffee at 6:30 a.m. instead. I dwelled over that for years. If I had just been June Cleaver...
The plain truth is, I am so hard on myself. I hate that about myself. I always want to be better. I want to be Martha Stewart (well kinda), a surgeon. A mom.
But ya know what? They make mistakes! And as I get older I look back at the doctors....and saw them make mistakes. And the guy that wanted bacon and eggs at 5 a.m.-never made breakfast for me!
Martha Stewart-she went to prison. Mom's make mistakes.
So, I hate and I mean HATE making mistakes. But, as I've gotten older, I'm more gentle on myself. Instead, I breathe and say 'try again."
And albeit June Cleaver was perfect, she put her pants on one leg at a time like I do..
The mistakes I made, I learned from. You can't learn unless you make mistakes. And...there is beauty in that.
~Stephanie
Oh my goodness, I loooove it lady! This was an amazin first post! and your absolutley right, everyone makes mistakes and life still moves forward. :O) You are an amazing woman to overcome just the things ive seeen you go thru and i know thats only the tip of the iceberg compared to what you went thru previously. I hope you get some closures and gain by leaps and bounds from this blog challenge :O) Its only taken me 2 months to get to day eleven but its making me feel better every time I make time to do it. So if you get behind like i did, know itll be ok and you can pick back up and not be judged for not doing in within 30 consecutive perfect days :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetheart. That means a lot. Miss you bunches...<3
ReplyDeleteThere is this book called "Nudge." (MLA format be damned). Somewhere in between the beginning and the end the author rants on about how marriage is kind-of-a difficult proposition. We as humans need vast amounts of screw ups to get things right and most of us...Let me start again.
ReplyDeleteMistakes should be the assumption. The sure thing. The fact in an uber-rigid world. My daily life consists of mistakes that create humor and learning. I do it during sex, art, and writing. I did just then. In that sentence and I am leaving it because...
Well, mistakes must be made and that is my daily suicide.
i don't mind Toast.
ReplyDeleteI don't drink Coffee.. least not often...
I'll make bacon and eggs on the weekends..
but fair warning i'm only really good at making scrambled :)