So Now What? So Now What? ~ Justify my love ! -Madonna

http://zaphod.uk.vvhp.net/v-v/100128094917

I am strong because I am weak. I'm beautiful because I know my flaws. I'm a lover because I am a fighter. I'm fearless because I have been afraid. I'm wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I Have known sadness. - Author Unknown


So, yeah, I'm a jackass. I admit it. I bring things on myself (most of the time).  I'm certainly not the same woman and I mean WOMAN as compared to "girl" perhaps say...a year or more ago? OH P.S. ASS is a word used IN THE BIBLE, so stop trying to flag my blog as offensive.
That shit irritates me (that last sentence, go ahead, flag me, I just dropped the S bomb).


Okay back on the topic here. Still perplexed as to why, why oh why someone would talk babies and marriage and give you roses one day to ....having doubts and being scared. My best girlfriend thinks he had a GAY vibe all along. Well, okay, that's a plausible explanation. I can deal with that. I mean, I have gay friends, and albeit I am not that way, God taught me to love all people and that it is not MY place to judge but it is his....so I leave that up to..GOD. I love without judging unless you are REALLY EVIL.


So, I did the whole blocking the number thing. Took him out of my email contacts. ALMOST..and I do mean ALMOST-went on Craigslist  (cause I know he sells stuff on there, I go on there when I can't sleep and laugh at the personals out of boredom). So , then what do I do? My dumb ass emails him pleading to please....give me SOME explanation.  Last I heard  "THIS IS NONE OF YOUR FAULT." Okay. PLEASE EXPLAIN!!!!!! Haven't heard back-so am not really surprised, considering how fast everything took a turn (head is still spinning and no, I haven't had a drink).


So.......now what?  Well, I have these options.... 1). MED SCHOOL (as in M.D.), yes, I'm smart. I know this. Not trying to sound arrogant, but I know my strengths.  2). Movie Part (MIB3)- Great exposure casted in a major movie, 10 scenes, but at the age of 32- I would already be considered a "washout". Besides, NO ONE is going to tell me to implant my chest or starve to look like the status quo (I will leave that to Paris Hilton, or whomever is "hot" right now, I don't even know, that is how much I care). 3). Go to work for the Dept. Of Interior BIA-was recruited to do so. Great pay. Boot camp. Federal job (Starting at GS9-11).


Date? Hahaha. Who REALLY wants to be a rebound? I'm kinda in a conundrum there. 


Well, you know what?  It's MY vacation. And, I fit in a size 3-4 bikini right now. And ya know what? It was from eating right and working out. I earned it. I look pretty darned good. Let the chips fall where they may.... I'm gonna "keep on truckin."
I'm gonna take life day by day. I'm going to enjoy the company of my many friends the next few days. I'm going to swim and splash and make some killer salads. I may even paint or write some kick ass prose.   But nothing....nothing, is going to get in my way.


"HERE I AM, ROCK ME LIKE A HURRICANE."          


P.S. I love cliche's- can you tell? (Smirk).

Jaded.......

So, I haven't written my blog in a while. I was too busy "being in love."

So, tell me what love is?  Because, I thought it was there...finally, within my grasps, no holds barred.

They say if something is too good to be true it usually is. Um YEAH, that was an understatement in this case.
So, one day a person is talking marriage and babies and POOF, the next day he's scared and doesn't know what he wants. FML. FML.  Time and energy invested. Many nights staying up late after 12 hour shifts at work watching movies, cooking, laughing...all that to -NOTHING.

So, I've done the crying thing (haven't in 4 days maybe), the hiding under the covers thing (I don't recommend that-I've found it's better to go for a walk in the sunshine). Tried to literally work out the anger by exercising (works pretty well).

So, what to do next.....hmmm...I could go into the Army. Private Benjamin style (hehehe).   Or, I can just keep being myself. I'm gonna go lie by the pool with my tanned self. Have a huge salad in a bit -not because I think I'm fat , but because I care what I put into my body.  I'm going to paint on my balcony facing the mountains. I'm going to go back to the gym, and when I turn a few heads, I will do what I can to not attract attention, but I will smile knowing that I still have my mojo.     Take a walk on the Bosque-perhaps all the way to Corrales today.

Take a nap-because I work hard and deserve it.

Love myself-because, I am pretty freaking amazing. I KNOW THIS. You don't have to tell me.
He lost.  I win.     I'm gonna keep on smiling. :)